That’s 2017 the year, not the number of movies. And these are the 10+JW2 I’m most looking forward to seeing – don’t let me down, film makers! As I keep pointing out, it costs me a tenner to go to the cinema and that’s before you factor in the drinks afterwards to help me cope with my frequent crushing disappointment. And the cost of the Wonder Woman cosplay outfit but don’t tell anyone about that.
In no particular order as release dates often seem to be more flexible than a burlesque dancer in a giant wine glass.
I’m not a huge superhero film fan, partly because there are so many and frankly the world is in a total fucking mess so they can’t be much use really. (Where were you in 2016, eh superheroes? In post-production? That old excuse?). But the Logan trailer, with the worldweary Johnny Cash “Hurt” soundtrack, got me totally seduced. Knackered old bearded Wolverline/Logan looks interesting and thoughtful and exciting. Patrick Stewart is back as telepath and X-Men founder Charles Xavier, and it’s clear that even mutant superheroes see their powers wane as they age. And word is that Logan has a little clone! Dafne Keen plays Laura. She looks nothing like him which rather stretches the definition of clone, but never mind.
Lego Batman Movie
I saw this trailer for this – Batman teams up with other superheroes made of the brightly coloured bricks, including Harley Quinn and Bat Girl, to beat The Joker – and it looks an absolute hoot. And I bloody hate Lego (well my feet do anyway). I’ve been telling my kids for years now the they can only play with it on the big blue plastic mat so it’s easy for me to pour back into the enormous, house-sized Lego box, but do they listen, do they hell. There are bits everywhere and why hasn’t anyone invented a giant Lego magnet to pick the blasted stuff up from hard-to-reach corners. So anyway, yes the Lego Batman Movie looks ace.
50 Shades Darker
I never saw the first 50 Shades film. I read the books and thought they were terrible so I had to read them again just to make sure they were terrible. I will be going to see this even though I thought the second book was more terrible than the terrible first book. I liked Dakota Johnson in Bigger Splash and Jamie Dornan was terrific in the very overlooked Anthropoid, so I’ll see it for them mainly not for the sexy bits oh no. I’ve seen the trailer which seemed to involve them in the most unconvincing disguises ever, plus lots of lip biting and some raunchy sex. Or maybe it was raunchy disguises and unconvincing sex, I wasn’t entirely sure. I bet it’ll be amazing though.
A Monster Calls
A film that was made last year but is only just out in the UK. It’s about a mother dying of cancer who’s young son somehow summons a monster formed from a yew tree. The monster helps him deal with his mother’s illness and the bullies he encounters. I sobbed just during the trailer so god knows what the whole film is going to do to me. I am desperately hoping that, like bad comedies which show the only three good jokes from the entire film in the trailer, leading you to believe it’s a hilarious gag fest from, start to finish, this is really a happy film that shows all the sad bits in the trailer with the rest being about kittens and unicorns and cupcakes. Otherwise I am going to spend all of January weeping.
A scifi film that we don’t know much about. The Life trailer shows astronauts on a spaceship circling Mars and examining what could be lifeforms brought back from the surface of the red planet. In the trailer they look like tiny silent dancing beansprouts but don’t be fooled, it’s the quiet ones you have to watch. (See also John Wick). The film stars Ryan Reynolds, Rebecca Ferguson and Jake Gyllenhaal and is out this spring.
I love scifi films so much that not only do I adore Prometheus but I tell people that all the time. Which means everyone thinks I’m completely weird and I’m turning into the film equivalent of the mad old woman who lives in a cave on the outskirts of the village and can sometimes be heard muttering about prequels and reboots and canonical running order. Alien Covenant has already had a red band trailer, which looks more like original Alien, and it’s got a sexy shower scene until it all ends rather unhappily. This time the spaceship Covenant lands on a lush green planet, whose only inhabitant appears to be David the android, whose detached head was last seen being carried around rather unceremoniously in a manbag by least English-sounding English archaeologist ever, Elizabeth Shaw (not the one who makes the chocolate mints). To complicate things for film viewers who get easily confused (that’s me then), Fassbender is not only back playing David but also plays Walter, another android who is part of the Covenant crew. (Why do androids have such old fashioned names? David. Walter. Arthur in Passengers. Where’s Jayden the Android. or Kai. Or even a Madison.) Katherine Waterston is Ripley-Not-Ripley, and she looks like she can handle anything, though it’ll probably take her about two hours to do it.
“In your satin tights, fighting for our rights…” Oh sorry not that Wonder Woman. Linda Carter may have been a kitsch fantasy but she was still a feminist baddass. New Wonder Woman continues this with Gal Gadot playing the immortal Amazonian princess as a more naive woman than we met in BvS (Wonder Woman is set 100 years previously to that). A plane flown by Steve Trevor (Chris Pine) crash lands on her island and after Trevor tells her about a world war, she resolves to leave her island to try to stop it. I’ve got high hopes as Wonder Woman was the best thing in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. Along with Dawn of Justice herself who should be getting her own spin-off film soon (Yes I KNOW I’ver made that joke a million times but you’ve got to admit it’s goddam funny.)
I’m old enough to remember Baywatch the first time round with CJ and Mitch and the ones who weren’t CJ or Mitch. Which means I’ve been trying to look good in a red one piece swimsuit since 1989. And this year, ladies, I managed it. I haven’t tried the slo-mo running along the beach bit but as I’ve had two children slo-mo running is really the only running I would dare do. So it’s got Dwayne Johnson as New Mitch, Kelly Rohrbach as new CJ, Zac Efron, Alexandra Daddario, and Priyanka Chopra. On a beach, running slowly. It looks like a great laugh and after some of the depressing stuff I’ll be watching this year, I can’t wait.
Another Cloverfield film this time tenuously linked to the others by being set in a field of clover. It’s not really. it is the third film from the Cloverfield universe (after Cloverfield and last year’s 10 Cloverfield Lane). All we know is that it’s directed by Julius Onah, it’s set on a space station and an experiment has caused Earth to disappear. They’d better hurry up and release it as I understand Donald Trump is working on the exact same scenario and you know how irritating that is. It stars stars David Oyelowo, Gugu Mbatha-Raw, Ziyi Zhang, and Elizabeth Debicki.
Again, just coming out over here. I’m off to a preview in a few days and I couldn’t be more excited. A happy film this January! Emma Stone is an aspiring but not very successful actress who meets jazz player Ryan Gosling in LA, and in true romantic style they fall in love but fail to get together for quite some time while constantly running into each other and singing and dancing while wearing lovely bright clothes. My friend was meant to be coming with me but she’s had to cancel which is a shame but I’m not going to make a song and dance about it, and all that jazz. See what I did there.
John Wick: Chapter 2
I’ve been waiting for this since 1989 When Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure came out, I just didn’t know it then. The brilliant first John Wick film was a surprise hit, when we collectively suddenly remembered how great Keanu Reeves was at action flicks, especially when he doesn’t say much and when he does it’s in Russian. In Chapter 2 (trailers – of which there have been many – are here) he goes to Rome but when in Rome he does what John Wick does rather than what the Romans do. Which means ruin some other poor sod’s party. Thanks to a blood oath he has to help another assassin, not long after the events of the last film so he’s going to be pretty beat up before he even starts on this lot. I just hope somebody gives that man a pencil! Anyway with any luck John Wick will turn out to be like one of those Charles Dickens novels that were printed chapter by chapter in magazines and went on basically for ever.