I seem to have a thing for sad actors. First Keanu took the Internet by storm when he was pictured eating a sandwich on a park bench looking a little bit glum (god, sandwiches are almost always disappointing as they put all the filling on the edges so it looks really appetising then there’s nothing in the middle, so I feel his pain), and then Sad Ben Affleck – pictured after hearing the terrible reviews for this – did the rounds. (And don’t forget Miserable Christian Bale, in pretty much all his most successful films. Gerard Butler never looks miserable, despite a string of one-star movies, because (a) he probably wakes up thinking “Wehayyyy! I’m Gerry fucking Butler!” And (b) he knows he’s only ever a few minutes away from his next shag).
Anyway, back to Batman v Superman – Dawn of Justice. Well first off that title is very misleading. Dawn of Justice doesn’t appear in it ANYWHERE, and I checked the credits and everything. Hopefully she’ll be getting her own standalone film soon though.
It’s full title should of course be “Batman v Superman v Lex Luther v Wonder Woman v a hideous monster v the critics” (but not v ME). Starring Affleck as Batman, Henry Cavill as Superman, it’s directed by Zack Snyder (who directed “300”, my fave Spartan-film-starring-Gerard-Butler of all time). After seeing lots of Not-As-Good-As-It-Should-Be films this year (I’m looking at you Absolutely Fabulous), BvS (yes, I know it sounds like a yeast infection) is actually a Not-Nearly-As-Bad-As-Expected movie.
The film is better than expected; the actors are better than expected; Cavill isn’t as bad as expected (I’ve actually promoted him from ‘wooden’ to ‘plastic’ or maybe ‘Bakelite’); Wonder Woman / Diana Prince is in it slightly more than expected (though still not enough).
Sadly WORSE THAN EXPECTED is Lois Lane – Amy Adams is a great actress but Lois continually gets herself into situations she needs rescuing from – honestly that woman is as much of a fucking liability as Matt Damon when they blast him off into space for the umpteenth time and he gets marooned with only science’s most up to date technology to help him.
It’s all a bit outdated. Plus Lois first appears naked in a bath, with Clark fully clothed in with her, and those kinds of unnecessary sexist scenes get on my tits. (See what I did there.)
Lex Luther (Jesse Eisenberg) looks like Lex Luther’s geeky and troubled teenage son but I thought he was pretty good – clearly quite mad and I liked his speech about God being all good or all powerful but not both.
And Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman is GREAT. Every straight man in the world is going to fancy her and probably all the gay ones and all the women too and maybe even the pets. I really want her and Batman to get together and have little WonderBat babies. There’s a “Wonder Woman” film coming out in summer 2017, though I’m slightly concerned about how safe the human race will be in her hands as her weapons seemed to consist of a big round thing (dustbin lid? Fancy mirror? Serving plate for the world’s biggest Pavlova? Whatever, last time I saw one of those was in “300” and we know what happened to those Spartans) and a flippy whip type thing (useful if she does indeed get together with The Bat).
Ben Affleck is really good, world weary mostly, though he has some cheesy lines in the last section that he seems to deal with by keeping his face absolutely impassive. He is also massive. Really big. Really hulking in the batsuit and popping out of his suits when he’s just being Bruce.
Cavill is actually not bad (high praise indeed for him) as Clark Kent, but rather amazingly manages to be both emotionless AND cheesy as Superman.
As usual the film is far, far too long – it’s about 2.5 hours. Seriously, I’m getting fed up with this self-indulgent filmmaking, usually by men, for men whose free time is all their own. (90 minutes, guys, 90 minutes! Mums are super-busy and also after childbirth will need multiple loo trips during anything over 2 hours so keep it short or keep it straightforward so we don’t miss any plot twists when we’re in the Ladies doing our stuff and picking popcorn out of our bras).
So, the film. I’d heard it was impossible to work out what was going on in the first half. Actually the initial few minutes were straightforward and I was feeling pretty smug but then it got more and more disjointed and complicated with dream sequences and bats for AGES and I probably fell asleep for a bit. (I went to the pub afterwards for a de-brief and was discussing the film with my super clever friend and she had no clue what was going on either. And this is the person who went to Oxford AND understood all of financial gubbins in “The Big Short” so if she says it was incomprehensible then rest assured, it was).
What most people want to know is why Superman and Batman, both reasonably good-if-slightly-dark guys, end up in a death fight, and how Superman doesn’t win in the first 30 seconds as he’s got, you know, superpowers.
Batman and Superman have been super suspicious of each other, Batman since the violent battle between Superman and Zod (the ending of the last Superman film, “Man of Steel”) which saw so many innocent people die, and Superman/Clark who thinks the Bat is a dangerous vigilante.
It’s at a party at Lex Luther’s that Bruce first sees Diana Prince. She takes a drive containing information that Bruce has stolen from Luther, copies it then returns it to Bruce’s car. The drive holds information on other people with superhuman powers and includes a picture of Diana Prince as Wonder Woman, taken at least a century ago (I bet if you look closely Keanu Reeves is in the background somewhere, with the other immortals).
Meanwhile despite Luther being behind a horrific and deadly bombing, the public turn against Superman and he exiles himself.
Batman gets hold of kryptonite (that Luther has retrieved from the Indian Ocean seabed) to use in his battle aga