My Worst Films of 2016 But Not Including Gods of Egypt Because It’s Suffered Enough

Luckily for me I love a bad film. Most of these weren’t awful (Home Alone 4 will always be my line-in-the-sand for cinematic awfulness) but they were, in some way, disappointing. And it cost me ten quid to see each one.

1. Batman v Superman – Dawn of Justice

BVS sounds like a yeast infection doesn’t it. I’m guessing watching this film served as a reminder to a few people to make that doctor’s appointment. The film was a bit of a mess with some good set pieces (Wonder Woman mainly). I’m hoping that the spinoff for Dawn of Justice will be better, she’s amazing! (And that, people, IS MY BEST JOKE OF 2016).

2. Passengers

Because it’s just so romantic being woken up 89 years too early to spend what’s left of your life with some creepy stalker guy with a toolbox who every time he tries to fix something for you starts muttering “who put this in for you love, it’s a cowboy job!”, shows his bum crack then charges you a $60 million call out fee as you’re a billion miles from Earth. And he’s got to come back as he doesn’t have the part in stock. Oh yes and did I mention he’s a creepy stalker guy.

3. Inferno

Abandon all hope… as Dante’s Inferno says, and now I know why. It’s got the world’s slowest car chase involving a tiny Fiat 500 with, I don’t really remember, probably a few people strolling along in lukewarm pursuit. And Tom Hanks with a much younger woman, presumably because at her age she can still run fast while holding hands.

4. Hail Caesar

Or Hail Clooney as it should be called. I’m mystified why so many people liked this. It had some good bits (Scarlett Johansson as a pregnant mermaid who has to adopt her own baby, and Ralph Feinnes trying in vain to get Hobie Doyle, the western star, to say “would that it were so simple?”) but the rest was self indulgent and dull. Clooney played himself as usual, this time in a metal toga. After watching it I was so disappointed I had to lie down for a few minutes on the divan with lovely Deirdre. (In my defence I actually liked Clooney in Money Monster, which mystifies EVERYBODY).

5. American Pastoral

An adaptation of a Great American Novel that I still haven’t read. So slow you’ll have aged the same number of decades as the characters by the end.

6. Jack Reacher: Never Go Back

Cliche-ridden nonsense, though admittedly with some great bits. eg. when Jack holds together his creaky old bones long enough to run for a bus, which he then misses. Don’t worry Tom, buses are like, well, buses – there’ll be another along in a minute! (Coby Smulders though – my new girl crush).

7. Neon Demon

To be fair, Neon Demon could just have easily got into my Best Of list, it’s that kind of movie. But in the end it was just another film about the pressure on women to use any artificial means possible to conform to a standard of beauty as they age that then turns out to be one of natural youthfulness and genetics, and hence impossible to achieve. Well as a 40-something woman I’d never thought of that before. The film did look absolutely amazing, and I’m glad I’ve seen it, but Evil Keanu? NO! It’s going so much against the natural order of things that I truly believe it put the universe out of sync and is the cause of 2016 being so crap.

8. A Bigger Splash

Ralph Feinnes’ willy. Great performances. Ralph Feinnes’ willy. Lovely location. And Ralph Feinnes’ willy. WILL SOMEONE GIVE RALPH FEINNES’ WILLY AN AWARD PLEASE. This is one of those films that should have worked, the bits were all there (and I’m not just talking about Ralph Feinnes’ willy). But it just didn’t – like the worst kind of Italian lover, it overcommits and under-delivers. Even with everyone being naked the whole time and a sort-of mystery and a tragedy. Me and my friends just came out thinking maybe we’ll book a holiday in Tuscany and perhaps batch cook some spag bol for the freezer.