Die Hard a Christmas movie? Maybe, but no one in a vest that grubby would be allowed into my sparkly, well-dressed festive celebrations.
Even an A-lister needs to make an effort if they want to get their yule log anywhere near my Christmas stockings.
But the only real alternative Christmas film that matters is John Wick. It’s a movie choc-full of Christmas references that we all recognise from our own imperfect celebrations – which when combined with an orgy of violence and death makes for the perfect December viewing.
Here are 10 reasons why John Wick is THE alternative Christmas movie.
1, Chocolate money! John pays for everything using that gold-foil covered chocolate money you get in net bags at Christmas, which is a genius idea as you only need a handful to get the bodies of 12 of your opponents disposed of, yet those bags are 2 for £1 in most high street retailers from November onwards.
2, A dog is for life, not just for Christmas. Though sadly for the dog, assassins’ lives are quite short. Yes, someone gives John a pet that he’s not expecting but even though he doesn’t have any way of looking after it, it’s really cute! That’s right John, feed it bran flakes.
3, Festive stress! John can’t find his box of Christmas tree decorations in the basement which makes him so frustrated, he starts smashing up the floor.
And let’s face it Christmas is stressful enough as it is, what with having to buy a Secret Santa present for Miss Perkins when they clearly have history, and no longer even being able to joke about pulling a cracker because of miserable feminists like, well, like me.
4, A snowflake. Yes John’s opponent, young Iosef Tarasov, is a whiny cry baby who seems to expect New York to be his very own safe space. He also thinks he’s the son of god.
5, Time to wrap up. Though admittedly it’s bodies in cling film before disposal, rather that a Lynx gift set, or putting on an attractive scandi-style Gap scarf and gloves combo before venturing outdoors.
6, Lots of people get their gooses cooked. John is a man hellbent on revenge, finally snapping after decades of opening a pile of exciting-looking gifts on Christmas morning that turn out to be 10 more Lynx gift sets. Or perhaps an extra-large umbrella.
7, Where are the women?! Apart from the ones who are dead, soon to be dead, or serving behind a bar, there are hardly any ladies.
Because of course they are all busy, MAKING CHRISTMAS HAPPEN FOR EVERYONE ELSE WHILE ALSO HOLDING DOWN A FULLTIME JOB.
8, Family arguments. Loads of them, with poor disgruntled dad Viggo thinking back to his childhood while staring melancholically into the fire.
And wondering how on earth having a murderous Russian gangster for a father could’ve turned Iosef into a wrong ‘un.
He just has to pray that the family that sleighs together stays together.
9, The industry Christmas do. After one glass of free eggnog too many, a man far too old to go clubbing goes clubbing, where he looks really out of place and doesn’t even attempt to dance properly but just walks across the dance floor getting in everyone’s way…
10, Religious virtue signalling. …then after embarrassing himself at the club he goes to Church, for like the first time in a year.
(I could think of more than 10 but I’ve got to presents to buy and stockings to stuff before a man who only works one day a year gets the credit on the big day.)