Die Hard a Christmas movie? Maybe, but no one in a vest that grubby would be allowed into my sparkly, well-dressed festive celebrations.
Even an A-lister needs to make an effort if they want to get anywhere near my Christmas stockings.
But the only real alternative Christmas film that matters is John Wick.
It’s a movie choc-full of Christmas references that we all recognise from our own imperfect celebrations – which when combined with an orgy of violence and death makes for the perfect December viewing.
Here are 10 reasons why John Wick is THE alternative Christmas movie
1, Chocolate money!
John pays for everything using those gold foil coins you get in net bags at Christmas.
They’re usually 2 for £1 by Christmas Eve, with a Terry’s Chocolate Orange thrown in, and as you only need a handful to get the bodies of 12 of your opponents disposed of you can eat the rest.
2, A dog is for life, not just for Christmas
Though sadly for the dog, assassins’ lives are quite short.
Yes, John is given a beagle puppy that he’s not expecting, but even though he doesn’t have any way of looking after it, it’s really cute! That’s right John, feed it branflakes.
3, Festive stress!
John can’t find his box of Christmas tree decorations in the basement which makes him so frustrated, he starts smashing up the floor.
And let’s face it Christmas is stressful enough as it is, what with having to buy a Secret Santa present for Miss Perkins when they clearly have history, and no longer even being able to joke about pulling a cracker because of miserable feminists like, well, like me.
4, A snowflake
John’s opponent, young Iosef Tarasov, is a whiny cry baby who seems to expect New York to be his very own safe space. He also thinks he’s the son of god.
5, Time to wrap up
Though admittedly it’s bodies in cling film before disposal, rather than a Lynx gift set or putting on an attractive scandi-style Gap scarf and gloves before venturing outdoors.
6, Lots of people get their gooses cooked
John is a man hellbent on revenge, finally snapping after decades of opening a pile of exciting-looking gifts on Christmas morning that turn out to be 10 more Lynx gift sets. Or perhaps an extra-large umbrella.
7, Where are the women?!
Apart from the ones who are dead, soon to be dead, or serving behind a bar, there are hardly any ladies.
Because of course they are all busy, MAKING CHRISTMAS HAPPEN FOR EVERYONE ELSE WHILE ALSO HOLDING DOWN A FULLTIME JOB.
8, Family arguments
Loads of them, with poor disgruntled dad Viggo thinking back to his childhood while staring melancholically into the fire. And wondering how on earth having a murderous Russian gangster for a father could’ve turned Iosef into a wrong ‘un.
He just has to pray that the family that sleighs together stays together.
9, The industry Christmas do
After one glass of free eggnog too many, a man far too old to go clubbing goes clubbing, where he looks really out of place and doesn’t even attempt to dance properly but just walks across the dance floor getting in everyone’s way.
10, Religious virtue signalling
Then after embarrassing himself at the club he goes to Church, for like the first time in a year.
Though he has to avoid Confession when the vicar points out he’s got to do the morning service in 11 hours’ time.
(I could think of more than 10 but I’ve got to presents to buy and stockings to stuff before a man who only works one day a year gets the credit on the big day.)
Buy the John Wick films
- John Wick trilogy at Amazon UK, or separately: John Wick, John Wick: Chapter 2, and John Wick: Parabellum.
- John Wick trilogy at Amazon.com, or separately: John Wick, John Wick: Chapter 2, and John Wick: Parabellum.
More John Wick
- Interview with Sambo expert Stephen Koepfer. Sambo is a Russian fighting technique developed for the military, and now a sport. Steve worked with Chad Stahelski to create a Sambo training scene in John Wick: Parabellum.
- John Wick review
- John Wick: Chapter 2 review
- John Wick: Parebellum review
- “All this, because of a puppy?” Me to me, after writing 4,000 words on the John Wick trilogy…
- Kean-who? The Doctor will see you now
- 10 what’s with Wick moments from John Wick 1
- Wick did what? 10 things that made me go “Whoa!” in John Wick: Chapter 2
- Podcast: I spoke to Tom Beasley from Flickering Myth about my favourite movie…