Misery loves company so come and join me this festive season in BAR HUMBUG
Do you want to shove Buddy from Elf‘s candy canes where the northern lights don’t shine? Do you actually give a shit whether George Bailey was born or not in It’s A Wonderful Life?
I LOVE Christmas. But it’s expensive, and hard work – with the highlight all too often sticking your hand up a partially-defrosted turkey’s bum at 5am on Christmas morning.
And everyone else seems to be having such a great time, with their well-behaved apple-cheeked children who simply want a hand-carved wooden toy and a book token in their stocking, unlike my ungrateful wretches, the youngest of whom (aged 5) recently told a charity Santa he wanted £1,000 and a car.
So put the little rotters to bed (who cares if it’s 3pm, it’s bedtime somewhere in the world), pour yourself a stiff drink, open their chocolate advent calendars, and check out my Bar Humbug movie reviews. Adult Christmas movies (no not *that* kind of adult Christmas movie – there is no snowman p0rn here), with not a talking puppy dressed as Santa to be seen.
Merry Christmas, misanthropes!
Why John Wick Is The Ultimate Alt-Christmas Movie – Forget Die Hard, this has chocolate money, family arguments, a middle aged guy who can’t dance going clubbing and a whiny snowflake in Iosef Tarasov.
BAR HUMBUG CHRISTMAS MOVIES:
Bad Santa – (4 stars) It’s 14 years old but how many nicely matured 14 year olds do you know? Exactly. Still a sweary shagathon with some Christmas spirit thrown in (spirit of the alcoholic kind naturally), this film about a misanthropic safe-cracking career criminal Santa who forges a genuine if still sweary friendship with a lonely boy, is one of the delights of any festive season.
Bad Santa 2 – (1.5 stars) A very unworthy sequel to the booze and sex soaked original, which really understood the true spirit of christmas. Still, you get Kathy Bates as Willie’s mom, and Wille shagging Christinas hendricks up sn alley (and no thats not tautology).
Rare Exports – A Christmas Tale – (4.5 stars) brilliant and quirky Finnish drama with flashes of comedy about a small boy discovering the real Santa Claus. What’s he like? Well imagine Kramus but with all the nice bits taken out. Plus a herd of marauding elves who look like they should be in ZZ Top tribute bands.
Office Christmas Party – (3 stars) a funny but patchy adult comedy that offers more than it delivers, though to be fair it does deliver a drunk office worker 3D-printing his dick.
A Bad Moms Christmas – (2.5 stars) Not the best Christmas film ever, but at least you get to see you’re not the only parent with a homemade decoration that looks like poop hanging every year at the back of the tree. No one drinks enough though.
Black Christmas – (4 stars) a horror classic. One of the first slasher films, it’s as much psychological as gory. Just don’t watch in your empty student house when you’re the only one in your house share who can’t get home for the holidays.
The Ref – (4 stars) a sweary, shouty, funny home invasion story where a warring family ruin the Christmas of a poor jewellery thief who’s taken them hostage.
A Christmas Horror Story – (4 stars) an underrated movie that is, strictly speaking, four interwoven Christmas horror stories. And all happening to the rather unfortunate residents of Bailey Downs, a town so riven with terrifying goings on that having William Shatner as their local radio DJ is the least of their worries.
Krampus – (3.5 stars) Comedy horror where a dysfunctional family are menaced by Krampus the “Shadow of Christmas” and his hoards of evil elves. And the baking world’s most dastardly gingerbread men.
The Night Before – (3.5 stars) Christmas comedy with Seth Rogen about three mates who meet up every year on Christmas Eve. This is the last year it’s happening so they’re going all out on the booze, trippy drugs and – at last – a trip to the semi-mythical Nutcracker Ball, which is where we ardent feminists like to gather and plot our revenge. Just kidding! You’ll be pleased to know I’ll be chained to the kitchen baking for the whole of December.